


Sit Back (Relapse Again)

by MrMistyEyed



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Hallucinations, Imaginary Friends, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Mentions Of Blurryface, Overdosing, Relapsing, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Trying to get better, implied eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 10:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12651852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrMistyEyed/pseuds/MrMistyEyed
Summary: 15 year old Tyler Joseph gets put on Antidepressants. Things look great, but are they really?





	Sit Back (Relapse Again)

“So, Tyler, tell me what you are feeling.” The elderly woman leaned up over the desk, propping her chin up on her hands with her elbows digging into the mahogany of the desk that looked about as old as her. The woman was wearing a white coat with a pencil skirt and button up that matched her dark hair, neatly pulled into a bun. Her eyes bore into the 15 year old’s soul, though they were intended to be inviting and calm, Tyler saw malice. He swallowed and closed his eyes.

“I feel...like...death.” He slowly said, forcing a small chuckle afterward. He thought that was funny, the doctor in front of him didn’t seem to think so. He straightened up and looked at the ground. “I’m joking...sorry Dr. Crowe.”

“This is your third appointment. I know I told you to take your time and feel comfortable with what you tell me, but we haven’t covered anything. How about I ask you about things instead and you choose to answer them or not?” She said, strict, but kind. Tyler forced himself to nod like a bobblehead, crossing one leg over the other. “Great. Your parents have said that you had an imaginary friend up until you were 10 years old.” A smile spread on her wrinkled face. Tyler, however, kept a cold expression.

“That’s just when I stopped talking about him.” He said with raised eyebrows, crossing his arms over his chest and looking away, smacking his gum rather obnoxiously. Dr. Crowe seemed taken aback, but his closed off attitude kept her from saying anything else about it.

“Alright. Let’s come back to that?” She wrote it down swiftly, not wanting to be out of time when they were only just diving in. “They say you spend a lot of time in your room.”

“I’m a teenager.” Tyler joked. The doctor spent the next few seconds going through her clipboard, looking for more things his parents had said.

“And you have a hard time focusing?” She kindly asked, adjusting her reading glasses to look at him over the lenses.

“I guess. Things are...loud in my head.” He admitted meekly.

“Have you ever felt like harming yourself or others?”

The air fell into an uncomfortable quiet after that. Tyler suddenly became interested in a tassel on his jacket, twisting it around while pretending he didn’t hear the question. “I’m sorry, what?” He asked once he realized his quiet was suspicious. He doubted the doctor would believe he didn’t hear her, the room was still, except for a lone fan in the corner. He had heard her perfectly on every other question, after all. Dr. Crowe took a breath in before repeating herself.

“I said, have you felt like hurting yourself, Tyler?”

Once again, the room was quiet. He didn’t know how to answer. Slowly, a quiet hiss escaped his lips. “Yes.”

…

“How did it go, honey?” Kelly Joseph, his mother, asked kindly. Her expression turned grim when she saw her son’s eyes red and puffy, sniffling piteously.

“Sh-She put me o-on...anti-depressants…” He managed to say, bringing his sleeve to his face.

“It’ll be okay, sweetie...It’s not the end of the world, these will help you…”

Tyler was in a daze the rest of the day. He didn’t recall picking up his prescription, he didn’t recall the drive home or walking up to his room with a bottle in his hands or taking two of them as instructed. All he knew was that now he was starfished out on his bed, practically drooling. Gosh, he was so tired. He had been told that he’d be drowsy and lethargic until his body got used to the medication, but this was surprising. After a bit, his mother’s voice broke him out of the trance.

“Kids, dinner!” She shouted, the three other children on their way already. Tyler stood up briefly stretched. That was when he realized...he was feeling great. He felt energetic. He happily padded down the stairs and into the dining room, joining his parents and siblings at the table. His eyes were wide as he took in the sounds of his brothers conversing and sister singing. Usually, he drowned everything out, deafened by his own head. But today...he wanted to hear about how his sister’s ballet class went. And how Zack taught Jay how to ride a bike today. He actually felt like communicating back, and didn’t have to force it. He felt happy to be alive. With a smile etched in his face, he ate dinner while just listening.

“How are you feeling, Tyler?” His father asked. Tyler perked up and set his fork down.

“I feel great, dad.” He replied. Never had he said that and meant it. Things must be looking up for him.

“Glad to hear it, sport.” Tyler reached up to grab another bun when he knocked over a drink. Was he really that twitchy?

“Oh, gosh…” He muttered, dabbing at the spill. “I think I’m just jittery, sorry…” He was right back to laughing and smiling and talking with his hands, accidentally smacking his siblings more than once. His parents were amazed. Had they known their son could be this happy, they would have put him on the anti-depressants years ago. Tyler soon stood up and took their plates to set them in the sink. The second after he turned down the hall to go to the shower, his heart sped up. He was no stranger to panic attacks, but this was different. It was an overwhelming sense of hopelessness that washed over his being. He no longer heard his family, just his own blood rushing, and _him._

“You never let me out, Bunny.” The voice cooed. “Those pills are going to kill us. I tried to tell you, but you’re utterly _useless.”_

“I know.” Tyler’s voice cracked.

“You goddamn failure. How do you manage to keep going and showing your ugly face? You don’t deserve to have anyone look at you.” With that, Blurryface faded from the boy’s thoughts and he was back aware of his surroundings. He continued on his trek to the bathroom, closing and locking the door.

“Chris, did you hear Tyler talking?”

“He just needs to get used to the medication, dear. Let him be.”

…

Tyler found himself curled up on the bathroom floor. He wanted to be happy, this was a new him. New medication, new mood, new look, he decided. He was parting with a piece of himself, starting a new chapter in his life. That’s what one side said, the other, however, repeated Blurryface’s words. He wouldn’t be looked at if he wasn’t pleasant looking. Either way, Tyler had a good and bad reason for what he was about to do. He slowly stood up, pressing his hand on the medicine cabinet before opening it. His father’s hair clippers were there, lying out of the bag, just begging to be used. He hesitated, but grabbed them and plugged them in. With a shaky hand, he touched his brown locks one last time, fluffy as ever. Then, the clippers were driven straight down the center of his head. There was no going back now, he even felt like crying. Not because of his hair, but because the gravity of the situation hit him like a brick; he was giving into Blurryface for the first time in a long time. Chunks of hair already littered the sink, he moved on to the side of his head, fully aware he was leaving patches behind.

A strangled sob ripped from his throat, this was destructive behaviour, he knew it, but he couldn’t stop. He’d been clean from hurting himself for months, and he goes and does this. Did it count as relapsing? It did in his mind. Everything was a waste, none of those brave months counted anymore because he broke the streak. He broke it, and he hated himself. The clippers fell from his numb hand as he looked in the mirror. His hair was shortened to just a grey looking stubble, save for a few patches of brown sporadically spread over his nearly smooth head. The teen took a deep, slow breath. He stepped out of the bathroom, leaving the hair that covered the sink and floor, and the still plugged in buzz clippers. He mindlessly walked to his room, reaching into the dresser to fish out a red beanie. He pulled it over his choppy cut and forced himself to lay down, shaking and close to hyperventilating.

“M-Mom…” He whispered, high in his throat and afraid.

 

* * *

 

“Your mom said you shaved off your hair. Why is that, Tyler?”

“I just wanted to. The meds are great, really. I feel so much better.”

“I’m glad to hear.”

…

The drive home was painfully slow. Tyler’s mother had her lip between her teeth, gnawing relentlessly in worry. Tyler stared out the window, arms folded. “I told you I was fine...I just...wanted to do something myself.” He stole a look at his mom.

“I wanted to make sure. You remember last time, dear? I have to listen to everything you say and take it seriously.” Her voice was shaky. “Or…” She brushed away her coiffed hair while trying not to get emotional. Tyler stiffened, recalling what she was talking about.

“That wasn’t because you didn’t listen. I would have done it regardless.” His fingers ghosted over his throat instinctively, the air thick. Not surprisingly, his reassurance only made her more upset. Hurt and apathy were all that was left in the silence before they pulled up to the house. Kelly took a moment to wipe her face while Tyler was quick to get out of the car. He paused and ducked back in the window for a moment. “Love you, mom.” He said genuinely, soon resuming his trek to his room. By this time, it was dark outside.

He walked passed his siblings, beanie pulled low and spirits even lower. He decided to just go straight to bed. He was so exhausted from the fluctuation of emotions. He crawled under the covers and for once, fell into a peaceful, nightmare-free sleep.

“Tyler...What are you doing?!” His head shot up at the voice. He had to flutter his eyelashes several times before recognizing he was in his sister’s room, hands covered in her paint and out in front of him. Not to mention, he was standing. He couldn’t even say anything, processing the situation. Maddy clicked on the light and rubbed her eyes.

“I um...I don’t know-”

“Mom!” The nine year old called, making him cringe. Progressively, each light turned on and each family member came to see what was going on.

“What’s going on?” Chris asked, groggy as ever. Tyler just stared at his black hands, recognizing what they were from. His dreams about...Blurryface.

“I think...I sleepwalked.” He answered, head cocked.

“Go wash that off and get back in bed.” Tyler’s father simply said, too tired to care. All the Joseph siblings filed out after him and went to their respective rooms. He obeyed and headed to the bathroom. He froze when he saw himself in the mirror. The red beanie made things worse, he was almost the spitting image of Blurryface. He looked down, washing it off with a dismal sigh. He shook his head and pulled the beanie off, tip-toeing back to bed. He didn’t sleep any more that night.

…

The next morning, the first thing he did was pop three pills into his mouth. He wanted to feel good like he did the day prior, even if it was just for an hour. Maybe yesterday he just didn’t take enough, one extra should do the trick, he thought. He lied there, feeling butterflies churn his stomach. There was a time that he wasn’t sure how long he’d been there. All he knew was that he felt calm and relaxed, but his heart was racing so how could he feel that way? Then, he was panting, the butterflies must have been rowdy because his stomach hurt now. Before he knew it, he was forcing himself up and to the bathroom across the hall, kneeling. The contents of his stomach emptied out violently. All he was thinking was that his mom would assume he was doing this on purpose again. His hazy mind played out the scenario, he would tell her he’s fine, he’s all better. But he’s clearly not because here he is puking his guts out even when he was sure the pills were out of his system, he was only still going because he wanted to. Yet another relapse, how had he managed to do that?

He must have started crying sometime during that experience because he attracted the attention of his concerned siblings, who simply got their parents rather than going near him. Though he could hardly hear in his daze, he made out some things being shouted.

“He must have taken them on an empty stomach!”

“Breathe, Ty...It’s okay.”

He wouldn’t dare say he also had taken too many.


End file.
